So I was driving along with my best friend in the passenger seat next to me. Suddenly the car in front of me skidded on ice and I had to emergency brake. Before I knew it my hand was across my friend to stop her from flying forwards She looked at me and told me she couldn’t believe that my first thought would be to save her. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that, as a pizza delivery driver, I have developed a reflex action to stop the pizzas flying off the seat whenever I emergency brake.

ellimist:

AT DINNER MY PARENTS WERE TALKINBG ABOUT MY FUTURE WIFE AND LIKE TELLING ME STORIES THEY WERE GOING TO TELL HER AND I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING AND THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE SO FUNNY UBT I WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING because im gay as hell

vriksaserket:

someone called me fat today at school because i was eating chips in math class so i looked at them, then to my bag of chips, then poured the rest of the bag inside my mouth and without breaking eye contact, pulled out another bag from my backpack and kept eating